Oh my, it’s been 9 months …..

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Gosh, where do I start. This has been a long hard slog of almost a year since I last blogged. I have been in a bad place mentally and physically, so blogging wasn’t high on my list of priorities. Looking back, I wish I’d of kept up with this diary.

Lifes been crap. The Pain is a thousand times worse. I now live daily of pain killers and seem to be getting no where with the Dr’s fast. After my appointment in March, with a male consultant who dismissed me, I have felt like I’ve hit a brick wall.  To be told my symptoms where mild, when I cannot even be a proper Mum is a joke !!!

I have finally been referred to a lady consultant, and my first consultation is next week. I feel scared and anxious that I will be sent away again. If I am, then where do I go next. As it is, life is barely worth living. I only keep going for my 3 girls.

Just the thought of never being pain-free again scares the living shit out of me !!! Please let there be light at the end of the tunnel …….

Made me cry….

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Isn’t it funny how your children can be driving you up the wall one minute, and like a flash the do or say something that just melts your heart.

Well my 7 year old got me that way the other day. All the kids were screaming as we are trying to do homework, and to be perfectly honest S really couldn’t be bothered. Cue my blood pressure rising as I’m trying to entertain the others whilst encourage S to do her work. Then she goes to her book bag and brings me back a yellow star, to which I ask what it is ? She tells me that they had to draw a picture in the middle of the person who is a star to them, and on every point of the star write nice things about that person.

She had chosen to write about me, and I told her that was lovely. It wasn’t until I read why I was her star that I felt my heart melt and the tears well. She had written ..

She helps me learn

She makes me larf ( just love that spelling )

Teaches me right from wrong

Helps me do my christmas list ( pmsl )

Helps me read

Helps me with my homework

I think I may just have one of the best daughters in the world !!

 

The Aftermath

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So after the actual birth of my baby girl, I was duly moved onto the observation ward. This is where things got even worse for me. Where I felt completely invisible and not worthy of any help. I was on this ward for about 7 hours and it was better care than I received from the general ward, but still below acceptable in my opinion.

When the baby started crying, it took ages for anyone to come to me and help me. This is bearing in mind that I was still under the effect of a spinal so could feel absolutely nothing from my lower body. I was huffed and puffed at when I asked if someone could help move me up the bed, and told I had to wait until there was more help available !! So I led there, all the time slipping further and further down the bed. And as I began to feel my legs and toes again, I started to feel how incredible cramped my feet were against the end of the bed. So being uncomfortable I attempted to move my way up the bed. Big mistake. All I achieved was to pull out the line in my back for the drugs. So there I am hanging off the bed, trying not to pull on it too much, trying to get anyones attention. After awhile, a midwife came to help me, saying ‘ well I hope you don’t want any pain relief put in this line’ whilst fully removing it.I then asked if I could go for a shower and was shown to a bathroom and left to struggle on my own. Not easy when in loads of pain, have a catheter in and trying not to get the bandage wet.

By lunchtime I was moved upstairs, where I was dumped and left again. Because I was mobile I asked for the catheter to be removed, as it had been in place for 10-12 hours by then, and I could get to the toilet. I lost count how many times someone was coming to remove it. I eventually had it removed after 28 hours, after threatening to do it myself and crying like a complete fool. To be honest, it was so sore and painful by then, I should have done it myself earlier.

I noted there was maybe 5 midwives during the day, and just 2 over night. That was the longest night ever. I hit my buzzer to get pain meds yet no-one came, even though I was meant to get them ever 4 hours. After what seemed like forever ( which was probably 2 hours ) and being told yet again countless times the meds were coming, I crawled to the front desk. This is no joke, I actually crawled, and then begged and cried for pain meds. By the time my husband arrived for visiting hours the next day, I had told them I was discharging myself. At least at home I could get some help, and pain medication. So I left that tea time to face the longest most painful drive there ever was, with no pain meds again.

I got home and hubby got me upstairs and put me to bed. I didn’t sleep, well you don’t after major surgery and just paracetamol for pain relief. The next morning the GP surgery were fuming I’d been left with nothing for the pain, so I finally got something to take the edge off. I could not bath myself, stand or even walk. The pain was excruciating. Every midwife visit for the next 12 days went the same way, being told it was normal and I was healing well. I knew different but was too ill to argue.

On the 13th day after the birth, my health visitor came and introduced herself. I crumbled, I sat there and sobbed my heart out. I told her how much pain I was in and how awful I felt I had been treated. She took one look at my wound and said you have a major infection. My stomach had actually turned black from the ECV and C-Section. Within 2 hours this amazing lady had got me even better pain killers and antibiotics that I so desperately needed.

It took 4 weeks of antibiotics, which included about 6 different types to get the infection controlled and cleared. I can still smell that distinct smell of flesh rotting ( sorry if this offends ). I had nightmares and flashbacks every time I shut my eyes for a very long time, to the extent where I couldn’t sleep at all. I suffered with mini panic attacks and my love of horror films is well and truly gone for good.

I missed out the first 2 months of her life because I was out of it on so many different pills and I feel bitter, angry and guilty for that. I’m not sure I’ll ever get over this experience but I have learned to cope with it. And I also know there are ladies that have had a much more traumatic time, but for me this was just horrendous.


Not sure how to feel

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Well I had my scan yesterday and nothing showed up! I knew this was going to be the case don’t get me wrong, but I still feel a little disheartened that I still have no diagnosis.

I’ve been having such a rough time with my health recently but as no-one can ‘see’ what I’m going through, to them I look like a fraud. Especially the other half, who has no trouble throwing it in my face that it’s all in my head!!

This is such a long and lonely road to travel, and I’m sick of doing it alone with no help or support. Will anyone listen when I finally get a diagnosis ?? Will there be help and support out there, or am I alone in this ?? Will I ever get the answers I need to move forward, or get any medical help to make me feel better ??

So many questions yet no answers, and so the saga continues …….

A Cinderella Story

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When I was a little girl I grew up believing that one day I would meet MY Prince Charming, get married and live happily ever after.

HAHAHA

I’m currently considering suing the film makers for making me delusional. Don’t they realise they have it backwards ?? They show Cinders being treated like a skivvy BEFORE she gets married. Well doh !! That only happens after you get married, have the kids, dog, cat etc etc.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my old man but he’s as much use as a chocolate teapot on a hot summers day grrrrr.

There’s none of this pretty dress/hair/makeup business like in the fairytale. I’m lucky to get a comb through it after quickly giving it it’s daily wash. And makeup, well I’m lucky if I get a chance after feeding the zoo, ( known as my family ) picking up their discarded goods, hovering, mopping, polishing washing blah blah blah ….

So I’ve made a decision, if the fairy tales are really true, then I want to be Snow White. At least she gets to bloody sleep ! It’s just I’m going to be smarter than her, because when Prince Charming comes to wake me with a loving kiss, he’ll be greeted with a ‘ Do Not Disturb’ sign.

 

Bring on spring please

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Does anyone else feel like every day is groundhog day? I get up, feed kids, get kids bathed and ready for school, housework lunch blah blah blah …..

You get the picture ! I think that whoever invented the iron needs a good smack in the chops, because if we were all wearing crinkled clothes it would be the norm haha.  So instead of facing the huge pile of washing and doing the dishes I’m moaning about it ……… but it’s still going to be there when I get up .

So I can’t wait for the spring time to come, where I can say bugger it to the housework, pack up a picnic and off we all go to the park. Because at the moment it’s just to darn cold to use the park as an excuse !

Roll on the green leaves and budding flowers with the adventures it brings ……..

3 reasons I’m lucky

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I’m the luckiest person alive to have my 3 gorgeous angels. Each individual in their own right. They make getting up in the morning worth it, and even on the darkest, dreariest day just one smile or one hug can light up the entire day for me. They are my world. Don’t get me wrong, the eldest two constantly fight and bicker, but boy do I love them !

The eldest is the most sensitive soul, who cares about everyone and everything. She would give up a meal for someone who was starving, and for a 7-year-old I think it’s truly amazing. She also has the most wittiest sense of humour which makes me chuckle on a daily basis.

My middle girly, well what can I say. She’s a feisty live-wire and I wouldn’t have it any other way. She’s strong-willed, yet loving and friendly, with a hugely kind heart. She comes out with things I would never think to question, and she says the funniest of things. Shes a little energy burst that never seems to need to take a rest !

And then there’s my Babba, who at 13 months is coming into her own just wickedly. She has the cutest smile and will give cuddles and kisses that could melt the hardest of hearts. She is also a little monkey who climbs pretty much anything she possibly can haha .

So there are my three reasons why I’m the luckiest lady in the world !!!